Friends, I have a lot to share with you about my trip with a couple of brothers to Wild at Heart Boot Camp in Colorado. Let me just say that it was the most life-transforming experience I’ve ever had since giving my life to Jesus over fifteen years ago. I’m still processing all of the things that happened and that I learned, and I hope to share them with you as time goes on.
Let me share my heart with you. Over the past couple of months, I’ve been exhausted, frustrated, etc. I’ve felt trapped, like life was spinning out this frantic pace, and I was doing everything just to hold on. I’ve felt as if I was always three steps behind. I’ve been frustrated at work, anxious about whether or not God wants me to switch full-time jobs, and so on.
The reality, which I learned this weekend, was that my despair, frustration, and even bouts of anger were the fruit of me trying to control my situation. Without even realizing it, I was competing with God. Subconsciously a war waged within my soul. I entertained the oldest demonic lie that I could be like God, and the result was that I closed my heart to Him. He’s my friend, my Father, my Savior, but when I tried to take His job, He became my enemy. Ultimately, I traded “being with God” for “doing for God,” because when I’m doing something, I’m controlling the situation.
I knew I needed to get away, and so this trip to the middle of the Rockies in Nowhere, Colorado couldn’t have come at a more opportune time.
I came anxious for the Holy Spirit to answer my questions. “God, just tell me what you want to do. Do you want me to quit my job? Do you want me to pursue full-time ministry? God how do I balance everything with my family? What do you have for me down the road?”
You want to know what God told me? There I was sitting on the side of the mountain overlooking the valley. My eyes were pressed closed. Visions of radiant light came into view, and the Lord said, “Love me. Just love me.”
And so I did in a way I haven’t for months… if not years. I told Him how much I loved Him and His presence, and I let my soul worship Him. “Consume me Holy Spirit,” I kept repeating. He told me how much He loved me and how proud He was of me. It had nothing to do with what I had or hadn’t accomplished; it had everything to do with me as His son.
God did not answer those pressing questions, and somehow, I am okay with that. What He did answer was my need to be in constant communion with Him, the intimacy for which my soul ached. As I devoted my whole being to loving the Holy Spirit, I became satisfied with an answer like, “Just love me. Trust me. I’ll tell you where to go.” How good it felt to be a boy again – free and secure – in the arms of my Father.
Brothers and sisters, many of you, like me, want the answers to life. I see it on your faces on Sunday. I read it in the prayer chain throughout the week. The questions, the problems, the crises are immense. Somehow life isn’t working like we want, like we think it should. If only we do more, if only we pray harder, if only we take the reigns… these human solutions are not the answer. Perhaps we need to begin with this statement that I heard this past weekend. “We are fiercely committed to making life work on our terms, but God has rigged life so that it won’t work apart from Him.”
Let me challenge you to get alone today, turn off the television, put the kids to bed, and just sit in the presence of God. If you’re not sure how to give God control, maybe beginning with this prayer will help:
“Holy Spirit, I admit that I’ve tried to control my life. I admit that I want the answers. God I admit that my lack of coming to you, my anxiety, my anger, my frustrations with life’s situations are evidence of my desperation to control life and the situations around me. God, forgive me, and please take control. I give you my life. I give you my dreams and my ambitions. What is it you want to say to me?”
Sit there. Let Him talk. Resist the devil’s voice that creeps in telling you that this is bizarre or that it won’t work. That’s just Satan slithering around the tree just like he did in Eden. Tell him to go away in the Name of Jesus, and open your heart to the Holy Spirit. He’s got something big for you, some word He wants you to hear. Just ask, “Holy Spirit, what is it you want to say to me?” And don’t just do this once. If you’re like me, you’ve cultivated a habit of trying to take the reigns, and it’s going to take a daily commitment of submission to the Holy Spirit to entrust Him with our lives.